Edward Cullen, the dreamboat vampire (from Stephenie Meyer’s novel adaptation of book one of the Twilight Saga), says that he can read thoughts; all except for Bella’s. Poppycock!

When I was in high school, I was fairly naive on the female cues of desire.  Edward Cullen has been in high school for 100 years and reads off the thoughts in the restaurant scene with great ease, “Money.  Sex.  Money.”  For some odd reason, he cannot pierce the blank stare of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart).  Maybe it’s because of her blank expression or maybe because of her blank mind.  Clearly she wants Edward’s body.  It’s so obvious (I scoff).

I hope to one day have a daughter; one that will one day meet a boy that she grows to love.  However, the moment he says the lines, “I’ve killed people,” I’d hope that she’d have the good sense to leave him and contact the authorities.  But joking aside, Bella has some sort of romantic death-wish for Edward and want’s to “do the deed” with him, literally, if it kills her.  But “abstinence-boy” won’t let that happen.  It’s a push-pull relationship from the very beginning and it intrigues me to know just why Stephenie Meyer would write this of seemingly bright, introverted young girl.  Maybe if she was a sadistic, goth-girl I’d buy it, but not in this story.

If you want to watch a ridiculously-awesome film about young vampire love, watch Let The Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in. 2008)[review coming NEXT].  [available as Watch Instantly on NetFlix]  Not only does it depict a more realistic development of love, it gives a commonsensical perspective of the life of a vampire.  Because, let us be real a minute – two separate tribes of vampires AND werewolves cohabitating within such a small town as Forks, Washington?

What little knowledge I have of women (pardon my modesty) notwithstanding, it can never satisfy my curiosity towards the question, “Why do women (particularly in these modern times) relish in the thought of being relished?”  Men seem to think, if I’m only persistent… she will be mine.  When in truth, women seem to fantasize for the mysteriously-aloof, complex or troubled James Dean-types; even though they make some of the worst husbands.

Meanwhile back on the ranch…  we have several other problems.  The special effect choices disappointed me.  I got an instant Lee Majors (Six Million Dollar Man) flashback when I saw how the film depicted the vampire’s superhuman speed.  And when in the (direct) sunlight [emphasis on the “direct”], it comes off as if Edward was the result of some terrible glitter factory explosion.  But on the other hand, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” so why wouldn’t Bella swoon?

Twilight, is likely to be a fan-favorite of teenage girls the world-over for years and years, but don’t look to me for an answer of “why.”  I’ll just chalk it up to biology, labido, our natural affinity for danger, and poor dating choices.

Here’s to a better sequel, in Twilight : New Moon.

Review coming this weekend!


13 Responses to “TWILIGHT :: FANTASY :: 019”

  1. The diamond skin special effect was terrible, it honestly looked like he was sweating glitter and that just made me wonder how painful it would be to do that. Having read the book – and found all the same character criticisms (and more because they gloss over quite a few in the movie) I didn’t find this so much a concern in the movie and just accepted it. As such I found the movie refreshing because they bothered to introduce the rogue vampires earlier in the story and tried to build some tension (much better than the thrown in at the last minute approahch the book took). Looking forward to your review of New Moon.

    • joycereview Says:

      @ Cassandra Jade – Thanks for the comment and welcome to TJR (you’ve got a nice page as well!) I haven’t read the books, but my girlfriend has and informs me on each detail they miss or add. Introducing the rogue vampires earlier was, in my opinion, a good thing to do considering how much action is required to keep a guy’s attention. Problem being… the tough, blonde, Brad Pitt-ish (James) vampire was said to have mad-skills. Laurent even said something like, “I’ve not seen another like him in my 300 years.” Edward dealt with him well-to-swiftly in my opinion. I love cute little Alice jumping up on his back and breaking his neck though. But much too quick a death. Don’t ya think?

  2. Watching this film (then reading these books) has turned half of the twenty-something women I know into 13 year old girls. I find the entire thing laughable. I wish the books had never been written, my life would be a lot less annoying.

    The woman is a Mormon occultist for heavens sake, the idea from the story came to her in a dream and subsequent “voices in her head”.

    I’m told the writing in her books is very dumbed down which is fair enough if it’s for kids but I’m amazed at the adult following. Also, I think I heard her next work will be repeating the same story told from another characters perspective. Scratch one for creative thought!

    My only hope for a silver lining is that it gets people into reading and they move on to real fiction. Stories that challenge you not fantasise about being stalked by glitter encrusted killers. I realise I’ve written all of this when I haven’t seen more than clips of the film… should I retract my statements? No, everyone involved in this has made a bad film and they should feel bad.

    I give this film -10 to counter act your 5 claws.

    • joycereview Says:

      Couldn’t agree more. I know the 5 claws gives a neutral response to what many consider a horrible movie. I’m convinced that Stephenie Meyer didn’t have enough input in the making of the film. The director just ran with it and it turned out poorly. Catherine Hardwicke is really a hit-or-miss director. I like some of her uses of camera, pass, flare… but I despise others.

      Don’t worry about offering retractions. With some movie trailers/clips, they hit you pretty solidly. Like this one did. You’ve got to see Lisa Nova’s (on YouTube) re-enactment of the Twilight trailer when you get a chance. I have it favorited it was so hysterical. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on some of the other films sometime. Cheers.

  3. colorthespectrum Says:

    I managed to stumble onto this review as I was casually browsing through facebook this evening and I have to say, it made me laugh. I’ve been waiting for a review like this for Twilight since I first made the mistake to sit down in the theater and watch it. I loved your metaphor of a glitter factory explosion (a low budget trick indeed) and you are right on key with the special effects running.

    I thought it was interesting how you brought up the point of sex and ‘abstinence boy’; a notion I had not yet shed light upon. Makes you wonder if the whole movie isn’t just full of symbols representing something completely different. Although if it in fact was, I might be more inclined to give it a fair applause.

    New Moon has a new director so i’m vaguely holding my breath although I hope someone gave Kristen Stewart some acting lessons, for that matter, Robert Pattinson could use some too. I gave Twilight a 1.5 star rating (out of 5) for the shoddy attempt to recreate the book. But hey, lets face it, it did after all win the hearts of millions of pre-teen girls and after all, the film industry is all about making money so I commend them on that front.

    But again, thank you so much for giving me a good laugh with your review, I look forward to reading what you thought about New Moon.

    • joycereview Says:

      @colorthespectrum – Thank you for the lovely compliment. It is one of my fond aims to entertain and it sets me giddy to know that I’m making them laugh as well.

      as for you comment, there is a lot of emphasis on “who’s directing?” Catherine Hardwicke (director of this film) wasn’t too “awful” in my opinion. What needed the most change, in my opinion, is the screenwriting because the dialogue was hard to stomach and then… the acting (grimace). We shall see though.

      Subscribe or drop by next week. Should have the New Moon up by that time. Just have to pick a day that I don’t mind trying to weave myself through a plethora of swooning teenage girls.

  4. Carrie Says:

    I would have to agree the effects were a little on the cheese; however, this was a low budget movie and the producers didn’t expect it to be such a hit.
    Now the whole Bella wanting to get intimate with Edward thing is not true. That is not what the book is about. Yes there is a scene in the movie where the question of intimancy arises but overall Bella is clearly attracted to Edward cause he is not only gorgeous, but is very respectful and conservative. Yes he is older than dirt (literally) but he can read females minds for god’s sake! He knows how a girl wants to be treated! He’s attracted to Bella because not only can he NOT read her thoughts (which puts a since of curiosity back in him and allowing him to feel somewhat human again) but it’s quite! I mean seriously, if you could hear everyone’s thoughts involuntarily and one day someone comes along and you can’t hear their thoughts you’d probably be happy too. I know I would.
    Stephanie Myers creates a romance novel with a twist. I personally think the Twilight Saga book series is an excellent choice. If those of you whom have not read the series I suggest you do so. It will change your opinion about the story line of Twilight all together.

    • joycereview Says:

      37 million, estimated. Not typically enough for a Hollywood picture, but they could have made it work I thought. Interview with a Vampire would have had approximately the same amount to work with if you minus the huge cost of casting Brad Bitt and Tom Cruise.

      But I agree about the whole, “Put yourself in Edward’s shoes” approach. Yes, if I couldn’t read someone’s thoughts, and they were the only one, I’d be intrigued… baffled… and inwardly, I might remember what it was like to be human. However, which is it? Is he intrigued or annoyed? If it’s a bit of both… I’m sure the puzzle of Bella’s mind isn’t that worth it, considering 1) she’s food 2) it puts them in danger and 3) it causes soo much sexual frustration. For a dude, the later can be a strain to hard to bare.

      Subscribe and keep coming back. Love your take on the action!

  5. I can sum up Twilight in one word… Rubbish. Oh, yay! Sparkley vampires! /swoon OMG… the hair! Utter rubbish.

    Seriously, this film feels like an uninteresting version of Romeo & Juliet. I couldn’t care less about the characters. In fact, the only thing I actually enjoyed about the movie was the scenery. Even my girlfriend, who watched it with me, felt the same amazement that everyone was raving about it and swooning over him. I would put Twilight just behind Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas in my top 2 worst films of all time.

    That said, the trailers for New Moon actually look like they have some amount of action, intrigue, and plot. Only time shall tell, but I’m largely expecting more of the angst and estrogen that made me wish I had brought a razor to Twilight so I could partake in cutting. Lord knows it would have been more entertaining than blank stares, pompadours, and sparkley vampires??!

    • joycereview Says:

      Wow. Someone that dislikes this movie far worse than me! Don’t go “cutting”… there are much more movies to live for. Hopefully in the New Moon, there won’t be those awkward moments (like in Twilight) that leaves you wishing you owned a gun.

      Alas, the sparkly vampires live on and are followed by legends of young teenagers that surely won’t turn their back on dreamy Edward.

  6. Amanda Says:

    This is great! Exactly the review I’ve been looking for 🙂 But I must say, I can’t believe you started your vampire-movie review with Twilight – even though I totally called it when I saw your FB status.

    I did read the books, and although they could “pull you in” simply because of the story-line/romance, it is not by any means what I would call good writing or good fiction. It’s just a mindless, easy read. Books two and four were much more interesting, so I guarantee New Moon will be much less “awkward” (good word choice) than Twilight. Plus Edward is out of the picture for a large majority of the time so that would have to help!

    As for Twilight, I thought the director did a poor job, and from interviews I have read and seen, Ms Meyer did actually have quite the input on the movie. Hmm…. And did you catch her cameo at the diner counter? Brilliant. (sarcasm) The actors did alright IMO – considering the crappy lines they were given, and the horrendous close-ups by the camera crew. I just think they tried to stay TOO true to the books, and sometimes changes need to be made from print to screen. In hopes of preventing the multitude of boring/awkward scenes. All-in-all, better luck with New Moon and the new director – can’t wait to read your review!

  7. […] those wanting to see the review for Twilight, click […]

  8. […] Terminator Salvation was the first of the four Terminator films to be given a rating of PG-13.  Obviously this was to increase the viewing demographic.  But we realists know that any post-apocalyptic future, without a doubt, would be darker, and much more savage (see Mad Max, The Roadwarrior).  When will we stop sacrificing creativity and vision for a box office draw?  And an equally justifiable question, “Why would you re-hire writers John Brancato and Michael Ferris, writers of the epic failure Terminator 3: Rise of The Machine?“ The absurdity of this baffles the mind.  But then again, George W. Bush can get re-elected, and the “Flock of Seagulls” hairstyle can come back in fashion (see, Twilight). […]

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